“Look at me. No, look at me when I say this. You C A N N O T undress people without their consent. That is not appropriate”
“FINE THEN I’m not playing with her”
Every once in a while as parents we find ourselves saying things to our children that when in a different context have a HUGE life lesson attached to them. Sometimes we can take that leap from the current situation to a theoretical circumstance in the future to teach a lesson. This was one of those moments. The adult in me wanted to drive the point home, we don’t undress people without their consent, and no one should ever undress you without your consent. But how do I explain this to a toddler without really explaining it. I did my best.
This is not the first time we’ve had a difficult concept to teach from a seemingly normal life event.
My older always wants to give 3 a piggy back ride. Sometimes 3 wants to do this and other times she wants nothing to do with it. 1 always takes it personal or tries to carry 3 anyway. We’ve had several talks about this. I try so hard to convey to 1 that you can’t just make someone do something they don’t want to. It’s important to distinguish between things people HAVE to do but don’t want to do, and the ability to say no to certain situations. Inevitably my child responds with “but I just want to give her a piggy back ride” to which I put it in perspective “but what if some person that makes you reeeeeally uncomfortable just wanted to give you a hug, or just wanted to tickle you and you said no. Shouldn’t they respect your answer?” She nods even if reluctantly. Yet we have the same conversation three days later. This is cumbersome but also, a blessing. It means she’s never actually been in a situation that permanently marked her memory in a way she will never forget what consent is, even if it’s as simple as piggyback ride for her little sister.
Teaching your kids to respect consent and personal space is hard, especially since we are a close family. I mean sometimes 2 asks 3 to come into the bathroom while she poops so they can read books together (neither of them can actually read). Talking through real life scenarios is difficult because I don’t want to expose them to the real evil in the world but I also need them to be aware of real dangers and how to recognize them ahead of time.
They love, I mean love to play in the front yard in swim suits. It’s adorable to watch them run through the sprinklers. Our backyard doesn’t drain well and tends to be a muddy mess when we run the sprinkler. Recently I noticed a little bit of a hip curve developing on my girls, the oldest two at least. Their innocent play in cute swim suits suddenly felt like an invitation to a predator. I got rid of their bikinis, they wear rash guard suits now. As a child I would’ve scoffed at my mom for doing the exact same thing, as an adult I now fear the same things she did.
My oldest has seen me take my shirt off and finish a run in 100 degree heat wearing a sports bra and shorts. She tried to play outside in her sports bra and shorts and I quickly stopped her. When she asked why I said “evil people in the world want to do bad things to little girls and so it’s important we protect ourselves” I’m grateful she didn’t ask for elaboration.
I know there is a movement about how boys and men should be able to control themselves and girls shouldn’t have to change how they dress yadda yadda yadda. Take it somewhere else. The fact is people don’t control themselves. The devil doesn’t control himself. Evil is real and it’s waiting for an opportunity. So I’m doing my best to teach my children humility, honesty and modesty.
That modesty part is hard in a culture that teaches young ladies to be free and express themselves. Also hard when I have been known to wear a pretty cheeky bikini and run without a shirt on. How do I explain it’s different when people look at a grown woman that way versus a child. Or perhaps I don’t explain, I just change my ways, a little modesty never hurt anyone.
My husband makes a point to tell the girls they a beautiful, so pretty, absolutely stunning, all the accolades so that when someone does shower them with some attention, it’s not new, it’s not exciting. It’s all things they’ve heard before. My father-in-law actually taught them to say “I know” when someone says they are pretty. Initially this irritated me, we try to teach them to be gracious and kind, to say thank you. But the more I think about it, I love that response. Maybe we will add a thank you. I can’t help but laugh imagining some poor young man trying to put some moves on one of my girls thinking some smooth talk will get them anywhere and their response being simply “I know”.
The world is a broken, sinful and fallen place. I’m in charge of raising four beautiful little girls and keeping them safe. So every once in a while I find myself using play dress up fights to teach a much bigger lesson...
“We don’t undress people without their consent, and no one should be undressing you without yours.” a simple correction to the game of dress up trying to dress her baby sister quickly morphed into a life lesson I’m sure she already halfway forgot.
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