It’s strange to me, how in our little corner of the universe we have what we call PCS season. Anyone in the military knows this season well, but most of the world doesn’t.
Every summer the military moves personnel to new jobs, new units and new duty stations. Roughly every 2-4 years families load up all they have and move on to the next adventure.
They leave behind the village they spent 2-4 years building. This, is a part of life. There are summer and winter move cycles but mostly people move in the summer. Because of this pattern of life, we build friendships fast. We boldly introduce ourselves, over share our life details, let people see the real raw us and do life together quickly because we know our time is limited.
This strong bond still doesn’t change the inevitable.
Last year while camping with my family in the mountains, my cousin and I were talking about how we would be moving soon. He asked me if moving around a lot was hard on the kids and if it would make us reconsider the military life. I said no, because it has made my kids stronger. They are resilient in ways many adults I know are not. While we have been fortunate enough to not have moved around a lot at all, it hasn’t changed the PCS season experience for us.
When you live in a military community, whether you’re moving or not, your friends are. My children have said “see ya later” to every single one of their friends. We haven’t even moved, but they have.
Number 2 had to say goodbye to 2.5 recently, she said “bye” and then off she went to play. It isn’t because she doesn’t love her friend dearly, but because this is all she’s ever known. My kids make new friends easily and cherish them while they can but then they say goodbye. Number 1 actually had to say goodbye to 1.5 years ago, 1.5 has lived in three houses over the last 5 years and then landed right back here where we have cherished the last year with her! (Yes you read that right, while we’ve managed to stay here for just shy of a decade, our best friends have moved nearly every year). So when 1 said goodbye to 2.5 she was sort of like “whatever we will see her later at some point”. Maybe we will, maybe we wont be stationed together but if we are ever within driving distance of them, you bet your tooshie Imma load these children up and show up at their door step looking like I just came from battle but also ready to love on our framily hard.
Part of me wonders if we (my family and I) are broken. Like should we be a sobbing mess on the floor because our friends move away even if we don’t move? Are we just a touch sociopath?
The answer? We are adjusted and resilient. Maybe also a bit cold hearted…I prefer adjusted and resilient.
We know all too well the still sort of silence the following day holds. The first day when you realize you can’t just go pop over for a quick hang out or coffee. The stillness of a weekend without making plans with your framily. The lull after such a big space of your social life is suddenly gone. But still we drive on. We do more activities as a family, we cling to what normalcy we have and we find a new tribe. A new group of people that show up and love big until it’s time for them, or us to move on.
I called my friend that PCS’d away from us the other day, as we were chatting I heard her kids bickering in the background and she shot back some super awesome fierce mama phrase like “y’all handle it or I will”. I almost smiled because hearing my friend do life on the other end of the line felt like home.
I often hear people talk about how making adult friends is hard. It is! Finding people that you mesh with, that parent similarly, value the same things, enjoy the same wines, I mean hobbies and have similar boundaries as you is like impossible and thats just the small stuff. Finding people where your spouses also get along and your kids is next level. Sometimes you gotta pick and choose like okay honey you really like this coworker, I’ll tolerate his wife but only because the kids get along. Or we had friends once we would occasionally go out with, never with kids because it was like a demolition derby full of angry temper tantrums and so many big emotions. That approach only worked for so long because as we kept adding kids, childcare got expensive.
Which reminds me, these 22 year olds on care.com saying they have 10 years experience? Come on, you were 12! That’s not childcare experience when I’m looking for a nanny. I am forever grateful I am able to stay home with the girls, I do not miss the terrifying search for a nanny!
I digress, finding couples, with kids, with all the matching qualities is like finding a unicorn. So you end up finding people and loving them for their quirks, except sometimes you just have to get on with the search somewhere else.
BUT, in the military communities, the barriers aren’t there. I cant tell you how many moms I’ve met at parks, on a run or in a grocery store. In this constantly changing social setting people just dive in and give friendships a try. I’ve met many people for essentially “mommy dates” and quickly realized it wasn’t a fit but that didn’t stop me from being kind and then trying with the next mom I happened to see wrangling kids in the same fashion I do daily.
This open approach and diving right in that military communities seem to foster has made some of the very best friendships I have ever known. On a whim one day I asked a relative stranger but also coworker if she wanted to join a life group I was hosting. She said sure. Within three weeks I was telling her about my valvular varicose veins and she was assessing my nipples for breastfeeding. This may largely be related to the fact that she is a lactation consultant and fellow nurse. But the point is, I just asked out of the blue because in the military you don’t really have time to mope around and be sad. You gotta reach out, I promise someone is waiting to grab on and show up to the 50 Shades of Grey movie premier with a glass of wine and extra buttery popcorn because we are in this crazy unpredictable PCS move cycle life together.
Apparently there is talk about an app similar to Tinder but for military spouses. While this may present with hundreds of avenues of operational security issues, it would absolutely be utilized! A few years ago I had loosely been in contact with this rockstar mom of 7 at the time (now 8 because, like I said, rockstar) and I really wanted to get to know her. I remember sitting around a table of friends planning an event and saying “I want her at my table. I want to get to know her and pick her brain. I’m going to force my friendship on her, whether she wants it or not” and I did just that. She’s one of my best friends, I have drove up the east coast to visit her, where her daughter told me I had a bottle of red sin on the nightstand next to the guest bed I was sleeping in. She was referencing the wine my sweet as ever friend had purchased for me as a gift. I freaking love her and all of her kids!
In similar fashion, unbeknownst to me my other soon to be best friend was sitting next to me at a womens social thinking the same thing about forcing a friendship on me. We went on one random walk together and talked about all of the marriage issues we’ve ever had. Literally our first walk where normal people would be like “oh where are you from, what are your hobbies” and we were gushing our life problems out like I would to my sister. That may be unique to us, but I’m finding the moment you are real and transparent with people, friendships don’t take long to form.
The second nanny we hired to watch my number 1 (because our first nanny PCS’d away from us 😭) introduced me to her friend from Alaska that PCS’d here, and the rest is history! I love her and her kids and when we can manage to align schedules we always have a good time. I still stay in contact with our nanny too because she’s amazing.
I met one of my dearest friends at a yard sale first, then at church and then again in our life group. Our paths kept crossing and while one may not have ever paired the two of us together from a line up, I think of her like a sister and often seek her perspective on things I’m struggling with.
My neighbor introduced me via text to her friend living at the duty station we are moving to, and though I’ve never met her, we chat fairly regularly and I have actually found myself laughing while engaging in conversation with her.
A very sweet mama I have never met in person, has watched my struggle lately of the seemingly endless line of illnesses my children have managed to catch and bring home. She sent me a starbucks gift card via e-mail. We met on social media, bonded over life’s mishaps and the stress of PCS, and here she is reaching out to a struggling mama because she gets it. That is the embodiment of military friendships, they form out of what seems like nowhere and become a lifeline when times get rough (and they will, they always do) because we have all been there and we all know we will be there again. We all recognize the need for a tribe.
So here we are, spring of 2022. We are in the midst of selling our home, packing for a camping trip that will run right up to the moment we drive to our new home, in a new state, with all new people. We have a few short weeks to get everything in order, have all our last minute hang outs and make the most with the people we hold close to our hearts before we part ways.
I may not have a 3 decade running friendship where my friends have watched my kids grow up having sleep overs every weekend their whole lives. I may not live close to family and my kids may not be super close to their cousins…
But I do have decade long friendships that span across the world. My kids have “cousins”, “aunts” and “uncles” in every time zone that would move mountains to take care of them in a time of need. We don’t have to live close, see each other often, or talk all the time. Once you‘ve lived this life style and loved the way a military family does, it’s a forever kind of friendship!
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