Toward the end of my last pregnancy and into the first few weeks with number 4 on the outside, I noticed a pattern in my children’s behavior.
They were terrible. Mainly at home with us but terrible none-the-less. I did a lot of complaining about this to mom friends. I got a lot of “it’s a phase” and “oh me too” responses. I read blog posts by other moms that seemed by the title to have the answer but in all reality they wrote about absolutely unrealistic unsustainable parenting styles. Maybe if I had just 1 or 2 but with 4? No way.
I was really struggling. I felt like I was failing, I was yelling all the time, in fact I think Alexa may have told all the other apps because Facebook started advertising “no yelling parenting” seminars, books and podcasts. Which I refused to buy because even if I did, I wouldn’t read them. Who has the time anyway? I can’t tell you the last time I sat down to leisurely read anything other than the Bible. In the event I have time to sit and read a book, I feel compelled to read the Bible because well if I’m doing any reading I’d hope it to be fruitful for eternity right?
Anyway, in my late night nursing google deep dives and the one book I did manage to make it through I surmised the following about my parenting pitfalls and have since changed course. It has actually helped. These are simple changes in theory but I won’t lie. They aren’t easy.
My biggest mistake in parenting is parenting out of convenience. Meaning, I will default to the easiest method not necessarily the most effective. If my hands are full, I just sat down, or I don’t really want to go upstairs to follow through I often find myself defaulting to an easier method of discipline. The best take away from this post is the following:
put in the extra effort.
That is not to say you or I haven’t been putting in effort as a parent. Most days I feel like I’ve done all I can do. What I mean by put in the extra effort is to be intentional about your discipline and the moments following it. For me, that means not just reprimanded or yelling from the place I am sitting, standing or doing whatever task I was in the middle of. It means going to my child where she is, seeking her out, discussing the issue, applying the appropriate discipline and then making a point to love on her afterward. Trust me when I say I absolutely do not always do this, but doing this a fraction more than I used to made a huge difference. It is so tempting, especially when I just sat down to feed 4 and pump, to just yell from where I am at. My kids recognize when I am preoccupied and my yelling doesn’t have near as much effect as going to them does.
I made a list of things that have made a big impact in our lives since I started implementing them and honestly they are relatively easy. They just require a little more effort on my part.
I get on my child’s level and I talk with them. Not at them, with them. Sometimes this is frustrating when they have a lot to say, sometimes I don’t want to, I want to say my peace and be done. B U T in talking with them, I get a sense of where their head is at, how anxious they are and what caused the behavior I am trying to encourage them to change. My 2 has gotten into the habit of anxiously rambling when she’s trying to talk because she gets interrupted so much. Making a point to get on her level and talk with her, helps alleviate her anxiety and allows her to slow down when speaking.
I meet their individual need for attention. This took some serious effort initially because my kids each need love, but in different ways. I had to pay attention to how they act to distinguish how I could best serve them. For instance 1, she loves to talk, read and wants to be older than she is. So with her, one on one conversation while doing something I need “help” with makes her feel valued, loved and fills her up. Where as 2, she will run up and hug you just to say hi and she loves to create things. She is my cuddle child, she needs me to physically be with her either letting her play with my hair, holding her while we read together or crafting together. Each one of my children receive love differently and this concept hadn’t occurred to me until I read a book about it. It has transformed how I look at my kids, how I interpret their tantrums and how I approach each situation. I used to love them all equal and the same and punish the same way. I’ve come to realize punishing them based on the specific way in which they “receive” love totally changes things. It makes a bigger impact with less force/effort. BUT it also has to be a measured response that is very controlled because it does have such a big impact. You can make 1 go sit on her bed in timeout for an hour and she would thoroughly enjoy it, but if you take away some reading time with her, she feels the repercussions of her behavior. This is where the follow up is so important, after her punishment I make a point to sit with her, spend a few moments telling her how loved she is and making sure she knows my love is unconditional. This meeting their individual need also means I have to stop the collective punishment for one child’s actions. I have historically defaulted to taking everyone’s treat away instead of just one because it pains me to see one child not get something fun and exciting while the others enjoy it. This however, is neither fair nor beneficial. So while it sucks, I have started taking away privileges, treats, experiences and so one from the perpetrator not the group as a whole. It’s sucks, sometimes being mom sucks y’all. It’s also highly effective. But it reeeeeally sucks in the moment.
My kids are N O T mine. They are Gods and I am entrusted to raise them. This really shifted my perspective. So when they get to acting out, especially in public, I throw my hands up, look to God and say “would you believe how your daughters are acting”. I’m kidding. My perspective changed in the sense that my goal isn’t “to raise decent human beings” which is a great goal, I mean truly. But it doesn’t stop there. I am not just trying to make it to 18 years, that arbitrary “adult” age, I am trying to raise four daughters to be confident in who they are as they go out into the world with the intent of living the gospel and furthering their heavenly fathers kingdom.
I do my best to think of things in the scheme of eternity and a lifetime. I try not to be a victim of the urgent but rather stay in the moment with them. The moments that ultimately shape who they become. This is probably one of the biggest changes I’ve made. Forcing myself to slow down and not always be in a rush has allowed us all to enjoy the moment. It has given me the freedom to let go of the stress associated with always being in a hurry, which makes me a much nicer and more fun mom.
I got this one from my dear friends Sarah and Amy. When they ask a question and I answer, but they don’t like my answer I say “asked and answered” when they continue to challenge the answer, they must now say “may I appeal”. In this way they are verbalizing that they wish to challenge me, or in essence back talk. And I have to either allow it or deny the appeal. Sometimes I do allow it, to hear them out, other times due to the situation or safety I say no and we move on. Honestly since I implementing this, they haven’t had to energy to go through the step of asking for an appeal. They just sort of leave it be most times.
My neighbor taught me this one, remind them who they are speaking to. My 2 is good for getting an attitude with a nasty face, I have started to remind her who she is talking to instead of snapping back. So I calmly say “excuse me, who are you talking to” to which she says “ughhhh you”. So I ask “and who am I” she responds with “ughh my mom” but now she’s smirking because she knows what’s coming. I then ask “and is that how we speak to our mom” and she then apologizes and tries again.
I am by N O means a parenting expert. I am flawed, broken and based on 2’s tendency to shout curse words in context of her anger (see previous post on socks) which as actually gotten slightly worse, I am obviously in need of the Holy Spirits gentle but oh so sobering transformation of my own anger and language. It is because I am so flawed that I sought out changing my parenting style and decided if any of it worked I would share it. If you’re reading this thinking “yeah but I need something that’s feasible and realistic” yeah that’s exactly how I felt too!
In the words of my old nursing instructor “it can’t hurt and it might help”. Six simple changes. If only it were that easy. Here’s to hoping I can keep at it! Consistency is the important part which also happens to be one of the hardest parts!
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