It was not unlike any other afternoon, the girls were playing ballerina before we headed off in the minivan shuttle to dance class. Tanner wheeled himself over to the mudroom to pack his work bag. He is going to work tomorrow for a few hours, for the first time in 26 days and he was EXCITEDLY packing his bag. I wasn’t even mad y’all, like I GET IT. I was excited last week to get dressed up in real clothes with make up and perfume to go to the daggum dentist.
At any rate, Tanner looked up to our chalkboard calendar, that is still displaying August with various chalk letters and scribbles from where the girls were “playing school”, and his face changed. He sighed and frustratingly asked “Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiirls who drew on the chalkboard with marker? With this black marker right here by the chalkboard?”
And instantly the guilty one said “me! I am sorry, I really wanted to color and I don’t know why I thought the marker was a good choice, I am so sorry Daddy”. And we had a talk about making good choices and being honest. It was constructive and we discussed an appropriate discipline the children felt was fair. That’s when we realized we’ve done it right. We will survive.
Ha!! If you think that’s a bunch of hogwash you’re 1000% correct. What actually happened was a weird cold case detective discovery/marker murder mystery of a journey.
Tanner: “Giiiiiiiirls who drew on the chalkboard with marker? With this black marker right here by the chalkboard?”
Carolynn: “Not me”
Tanner: “I didn’t ask who DIDN‘T do it. I want to know who did! Emmy get downstairs! Call Madi inside off the swing. Who did this?”
Emmy walking down the stairs finally hears what’s going on.
Me: “Emmy go talk to your Dad he wants to ask you something”
Emmy: “No, I don’t want to talk right now”
Me: “Emmy, did you draw on the chalkboard in marker?”
Emmy hides her face, starts crying and profusely saying “I DIDN‘T DO IT” then runs into the bathroom sobbing. At this point Madi walked inside, heard what was going on and starts crying.
Me: “Madi, go talk to Dad he wants to ask you something“
Madi: “Me no want to talk” Sobbing.
After several minutes of cajoling, we get all the family members in the mudroom to discuss what has happened. We tell the girls that while drawing with marker on the chalkboard wall is not okay, we can easily fix it and what is more important in this particular moment is learning the value of truth. Telling the truth is important. If no one would come forward everyone would lose all of their halloween candy. Which if you as a parent have not weaponized the kids halloween candy, are you even really a parent. It will change your life. Last week the girls had to pick ten pieces out each thinking they were going to eat them, I made them toss the candy in the trash for back talking and yelling at us. You would’ve thought we sawed their legs off with the howls of anguish that bellowed throughout the house for the following fifteen minutes.
I had Carolynn get the halloween buckets and put them in front of all of us on the floor. Tanner and I were doing the good cop bad cop thing. The tension could be cut with a butter knife.
So we give this speech about honesty. The candy is sitting right there reminding them that any lies and its gone. Carolynn looked at me with wide eyes, nodding in agreement that honesty is important and raised her hand to again reaffirm she did not in fact color on the wall. Tanner rolled his eyes, we obviously knew it wasn’t her. She’s an awful liar and if she did doodle on the wall it would be real artwork of some sort or cursive writing. Which left three other children, one of which can’t stand on her own so really it left two. Two culprits both equally likely to do something of the sort and also strong willed enough to keep their lips sealed shut until proven guilty. Emmy continued to sob, having a hard time catching her breath and repeating she didn’t want to talk. Madi changed course a bit and while crying started to say “me don’t know”. Which confused us a bit.
Was she saying “me didn’t know” like perhaps she didn’t know that it was a chalkboard and not a dry erase board, a normal marker and not a dry erase marker. Was our three year old gas lighting us? Making us question if this moment of absolute disobedience was actually all a misunderstanding? We combed through the possible scenarios and knew realistically she couldn’t have possibly not known drawing on the wall with any sort of marker was not okay. Especially given she had just gotten in trouble for coloring on the floor with a marker the day prior. Circle back to her statement “me don't know” was taken at face value. The terrified three year old Madi knew someone drew on the wall, she knew it was bad and she knew sugar honey ice tea was about to go down. Her panic, her fear left her in a sobbing mess of a repeating mutter of “me don’t know”.
And like a hound sniffing out weakness, I turned to Emmy. Her head hung low, her shoulders shaking, her glasses fogging. “Emmy, do you know what happened?”
Emmy: “It wasn’t me!!!”
Tanner: “Did we maybe have friends over that did it? Did anyone see someone doing it? We need to know what happened guys”.
Carolynn, convinced she is safe from trouble nodded in agreement. Emmy shook her head no, Madi wasn’t speaking at this point. I grabbed a paper and picked up the marker. “Alright, everyone draw a circle”
Madi whaled, she knew this was it! Something big was about to happen! Emmy refused acting like the marker was molten lava, Tanner picked up the marker saying “for the record, it wasn’t me” and drew a perfect circle and exited with a marker drop.
Carolynn drew a circle and stood back to witness the rest.
I drew a circle, honestly a little nervous with the judgmental eyes of my children, like shoot I better not mess this circle up.
Madi finally drew one once we convinced her it was a fun game, and Emmy drew one reluctantly after I told her she’s a really good circle drawer and probably better then me.
The moment she finished, she knew, she’d given herself up.
We all knew.
The circles didn’t lie.
She sobbed and said “mommy, I need to tell you something (sobs) when I stop crying”.
She tried several times to talk to me but I couldn’t understand her. She did eventually calm down enough, to tell me she drew three circles. Then sobbed harder and fully admitted to drawing all the doodles in marker. I looked at Tanner from across the room and we both smiled slightly in agreement.
It has been our effort to make discipline be not a form of punishment but a means to instill the values we want our kids to live out. In this case, honesty. At this point in our marker mystery journey, it was clear that Emmy already felt remorse for her actions, she probably knew right away after drawing the doodles that it was wrong.
It actually looked like she tried to erase part of them.
No amount of punishment was going to recreate those feelings she felt in that moment, sobbing, admitting to us what she had done. She did a very grown up thing admitting she broke the rules, something a lot of adults can’t even do in the absence of proof they were caught.
And while we try to teach the girls that actions have consequences and when you play stupid games you will win stupid prizes, this lesson particular lesson didn’t need anything more from us, it was taught by her own remorse. So we used this moment to teach forgiveness, mercy and grace.
I hugged her tightly, kissed her on the forehead and told her she would need to help me repaint over the chalkboard when I got around to it. I told her she is loved in a never giving up, always and forever kind of way no matter what. That while what she did is not okay, it is not who she is and doesn’t change our love for her. I told her not to do it again and thanked her for her honesty.
She slowly walked upstairs to get her things for dance with her shoulders sagging but not sobbing anymore. Tanner and I looked at each other and laughed. We laughed so hard we cried and snorted and could hardly get a word out. “We just drew forensic circles. . . to catch a doodler on the loose”
Yes we did my love. And those forensic circles cracked the case. Well that coupled with the pressure of candy being tossed.
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