Ohhhhh yeah. We are going there folks.
Why you ask? Because no one was honest with me about this! Everyone sort of glossed over the horror of what was about to happen!
Not I! Rest assured there will be no holding back. So let’s do this.
The first sex after having a child.
Listen, when you start telling people you are pregnant, everyone is excited! There is talk of the pregnancy glow, the swelling belly, ankles, legs, face, boobs and everything. Some people might even be honest and tell you about the vericose veins you might get in areas you didn’t know were possible, the acne, the reflux and the urine leakage. But rarely does one go “ohhhhh girl, you’re going to have some of the most awkward painful sex two consenting adults can have, and your husband is going to LOVE it while you just wait for it to be over”. I mean really that would be a rather awful sentiment to be written on a baby shower card. But, it’s true.
I was blissfully naive after having number 1. we hit that “6 week” milestone and the doctor said “go ahead” and my husband was R E A D Y. I was tired of my husband not asking for sex but hinting at it for the last 4 weeks. He had given me two weeks without thinking about it, most likely only because the first 9 days of 1s life I was septic in the hospital. Anyway, we get the go ahead and my husband is ready. So I think I am ready.
I. Was. Wrong.
Nothing about my body was ready! My goodness it felt like hot crushed glass shards in my vagina! And my sweet as ever husband was trying to take it slow for my sake, thinking he was helping me but in all reality I just wanted it to be over! This wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy what was happening but because my body wasn’t ready! I mean I labored f o r e v e r with number 1, I pushed for hours and at one point one of the ten or so doctors that had their hands up in me pulled his gloves off and had to wipe vagina delivery goo off of his ELBOW! Like he was up in there that far?!?!? So I reasoned even though I didn’t actually push her out of my body, I did still have some pretty intense events going on down there during my delivery attempt.
Side note, some women have an episiotomy. This is a tear, or cut, from the vaginal opening toward the anus to make room for the baby coming out. It can range in degree from 1 being relatively small to 4 being from one opening to the other!! Y’all, I can’t imagine trying to do anything in that vicinity after something like that! Luckily I didn’t have any of that.
I digress.
So when number 2 came around, I thought to myself “well you didn’t labor for as long, and you didn’t try to push at all, and no one checked you as much, surely it won’t hurt this time”
I. Was. Wrong.
It still hurt! The same awkward kind of hurt. This time I totally told my husband. He was much more understanding than I expected. I talked to my mom about it, get this, she LAUGHED! Because she knew! Like all women who have ever have a child know this discomfort and yet we somehow don’t WARN each other! So my mom and I get to talking and she tells me, your hormones are all over the place and don’t be surprised if given how much you’re nursing the baby you don’t really want to have sex. She was 1,000% right. She also gave me this tid bit of advice
***(marked for importance)***
Men need sex like they need air to breathe, water to drink and food to eat. Sometimes even when you don’t want to, you need to just do it and make him feel like he’s a king.
My mother knows a lot of things. And she has been right about nearly everything I ever thought she was wrong about. This is one of those things she is spot on with.
I swear the same way women have cycles, so do men and just about every three days my husband is getting flirtatious, staring a little longer when I change and to the point that no matter how unshaven my legs are he’s still game for it if I am. So sometimes even when I don’t particularly want to, I meet his need because well the man needs to breathe and drink and eat!
Enter our number 3. She came right as scheduled. I didn’t labor at all. I thought okay, like surely this time, with zero contractions and just a smooth scheduled c-section it won’t hurt!
I. Was. Wrong.
It still hurt. Turns out it has nothing to do with what came out of your uterus or how it came out, but the hormones of post partum and lactation. Eventually things even out and don’t hurt anymore, I mean obviously because women out there have multiple children so they go back for more eventually.
Annnnnnd that brings up number 4. This time around I was talking to mom again about this issue. Sort of preemptively if you will. She told me a friend of hers mentioned that she heard (from her lady doctor) that coconut oil is a great, cheap, natural lubricant you can use. Yes y’all I have these conversations with my mother. So I thought to myself, I have some coconut oil.
I’m going to pause right here because, if you’ve ever had my coconut oil chocolate chip cookies you are probably thinking what in tarnation did she do with that oil she put in those cookies!!!
Anyway, I didn’t tell my mom I was going to try this, but we did try it. So when my mom came down to visit right after we had number 4 and was giving the girls a bath in the master bathroom, I was mortified to find the half used bottle of coconut oil sitting on my husbands night stand! Y’all, we had N O T gotten that busy, we hadn’t gotten busy at all yet because I was firmly N O T going to be touched before that 6 week mark! But because I grabbed it from the kitchen and put the new jar in the kitchen it certainly appeared as though we had gotten down to business for approximately half a jars worth of oil.
I heard my mother’s cackle from down the hall and instantly knew what it was about. My prestaged coconut oil was ready and waiting, if ever a husband had a countdown going that was the visual reminder that 6 weeks was fast approaching that was it. The only thing that would’ve made that moment more hilariously awkward would’ve been if it happened two weeks later when I left the vibrator on the nightstand to charge after using it to break up a clogged duct in my boob. Yeah my husband walked in the room, and there I am topless on all fours in the middle of the bed letting my breasticles hang down like testicles with a Hakka on my boob while massaging it with a vibrator. Sounds like the start of a kinky porno right? Except the discomfort of a clogged duct is unreal ya’ll. I ended that night with a numb hand, a still semi clogged duct and weirdly turned on husband that still had two weeks before he got the green light go from my OB.
When I went to my appointment my doctor actually asked if I had sex prior to the appointment? At first I laughed like “did you mean like just now” then I laughed even harder when I realized she was serious!!! I said “oh nooooo, I make him wait 6 weeks, honestly if you felt the need to add on a few weeks for me to heal and my hormones to level out I would be okay with that!”
She laughed, and gave us the green light.
My husband eagerly asked me how my appointment went. I’m pretty sure he was holding the coconut oil when he text me asking how it went. Yes, yes he text me to ask as I was walking out of the doctors office. I thought, possibly with enough coconut oil, it wouldn’t be so bad.
I. Was. Wrong.
But after 4 kids, and several conversations about this my husband knew. And he was ever so patient waiting for me to come around. Honestly it amazes me that he even finds me attractive in the haze of engorged boobs, post partum anxiety, sleep deprivation, while wearing milk, spit up and possibly baby poop stained clothes.
All that to say, if you’ve had a baby I hope you got a good laugh from my experience.
If you’re pregnant, just know it’s coming and it doesn’t last forever!
If you now are thinking you may never want children, it doesn’t last forever.
That first post partum sex ain’t nothing like the sex that made the baby. It’s also not nearly as awful as the first post partum poop (that’s an entirely different post let me tell you).
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